Day 122 - Celebration of 2009

I feel as though I could write and write to get down all that I am feeling inside. Everyday I have new thoughts and circumstances that I want to write about, but there is a limit to one post! So, I am now keeping a notebook beside my computer and in my purse, to jot down the things that come to head for future posts. I have decided to leave the heavy stuff for another day! There is cause for celebration tonight!

I've had some exciting non-scale victories over the last little while, some a few weeks ago, some just today! I want to enter into 2010 celebrating those victories!

- the regular size bath towel fits over all of me when I wrap it around

- I am understanding more and more regarding the deep rooted reasons I overeat

- I am actually jogging 2 miles at a time! This is truly a miracle. I could barely walk up the stairs 4 months ago.

- I wake up with energy and never require a nap anymore.

- Today, I bought Liz Claiborne size 12 jeans to fit into. I tried them on once I got home and they fit - without lying on the bed to zip them up! There is a bit of excess hang over, but that will gone soon! I was pushing a size 20 4 months ago!

- Since my new size 12 jeans fit, I tried on a pair in the closest I have been saving for a thinner day. Yep, you guessed it - I was able to do them up, but they are a tighter fit than my new ones. They will need to wait another 10 pounds!

- Today, I realized that my exercise shorts are too big!

- Today, I bought a cute, little, Nike running hat to keep my head warm while I jog in winter. I've never made a jogging purchase in my entire life!

- Yesterday, I purchased a thermal running jacket at Costco. I bought a Large and didn't try it on because I was bundled up in sweaters and a jacket. Once I got home, I realized I needed a medium if it was going to last me.

- I had to purchase new bras for the second time since I began my new lifestyle. My husband isn't too happy that so much is coming off my twins!

As I write, I realize that there has been a lot of purchasing going on. Oh well, I am not spending any money to lose weight and I don't belong to a gym.

Tonight we will celebrate with a fondue meal, which we're quite excited about. I will only be eating to just before full, as fondue meals are deceiving. You don't realize how much you pack away because you are eating such small chunks of everything. Tomorrow, will be my sneak peek weigh in, a 2 mile jog in a fasted state, then clean up and hopefully a trip into Toronto for me to visit my friend in the hospital.

Today, I jogged for 2 miles first thing in the morning and then enjoyed an egg white omelet, an Asian/turkey breast salad for lunch with one pineapple spear. I have not snacked, but I am looking forward to our New Year's Eve supper.

Have a fantastic celebration! I hope you're looking forward to 2010 as much as I am.

Eating less, moving more,

Dawne

Day 121 - Feeling Fine in 2009!

There are so few days left in 2009. It has been a good year. I am so grateful that the process of my lifestyle change commenced before New Year's Day. I am so sick and tired of making New Year's promises that are only broken weeks later.

I feel like I have truly broken the crazy cycle in my life because despite the week of Christmas food, I am right back into routine and feeling great! My body thanked me for getting back on track and it has been reaping the benefits of yesterday's fast. My body feels happy. In the past, had I eaten something not on my "diet" or eaten outside of my points allowance, that would be the end of that. All or nothing Dawne. That's the crazy cycle - strict eating or out of control eating. Being back in my eating routine for two days, I see that I have developed a new eating lifestyle and Christmas treats don't affect it!

I began my day with a 2 mile jog in a fasted state. It feels so great to actually jog and even run for a bit of the mile. My daughter jogged with me and she is quite an athlete, but she was sweating and breathing heavily! That tells me that it's not a wimpy, fat Mom's work out I'm doing, but one she feels is worthy.

Eating was Kashi cereal with a handful of blueberries and 1% milk, lunch an Asian salad with roasted turkey and a few pieces of pineapple, snack was a handful of raw almonds and 1 small clementine orange and supper was maple, lime salmon, brown rice and stir fried veggies, followed by a fat free, sugar free ice cream bar.

I have been thinking more and more about this "fear of man" thing. It was interesting that I not only read about it in the book I'm reading and the Bible, but after thinking it might only be a concept that Christian believers would understand, I read about fear of man in a UK Glamour magazine that was in my stocking! It was an article on photo therapy - that is posing nude as a means of emotional healing. It's supposed to expose the hidden joy in life, but can also mark a tragedy and help victims come to terms with their loss. The entire article finishes with - "Once you can face the world naked, what else is there to be afraid of?"

From what I have read and understood from Galatians and the book I am reading, the fear of man can rule our lives. Elevating people's opinions regarding me shows my allegiance is with them and not God. Fearing others or fearing the rejection of others shows where I put my trust and who is big in my life. I have been looking to people to "fill" me with esteem, love, admiration, acceptance and respect, and when people fail me, I eat to fill the void. The ironic thing is that I know the only person who give that kind of love and fulfillment and yet I have perceived people to have power to give me something. Further irony is that one might call it low self-esteem, when really, I have been valuing myself too much, living like I deserve more from life. It's called pride. Pride of self disguised by low self esteem. Wow - what an eye opener! I had no idea that I was so full of self-indulgent pride! I was overweight, unhappy with the way I looked and felt, but I was living for self and for others and not for God.

I view this as a root issue that God has opened my eyes to and it will take time to continue to work through it, but I refuse to run the other way. Instead, I run to forgiveness, healing and to the release from the bondage of overeating!

I did receive some sad news today. A friend whom I spent many summers with at a summer cottage and later had a friendship with as teenagers and young adults, is not expected to live very long. She found out that she cancer ridden only weeks ago and is currently in palliative care. She is my age. She's lived a tough, tough life, some of it brought on by her choices, but certainly not all of her fault. I am told that she is ready to die and I am hoping to make the trip to Toronto to say goodbye to her.

Our New Year's Eve plans are quite tame and quiet. We are having a fondue meal with a friend and his two sons. He hasn't seen me in quite some time, but he does know I am losing weight. I think it will be a great encouragement to discuss weight loss with him as he is a medical physician and loves to talk shop! Our meal will be a bit on the late side because of his work, and my sneak peek weigh in is the next day! So, I will be eating very lightly at this fondue for good results the next morning.

I hope your plans for the celebration are going well and that you are excited about your continue success in 2010.

Eating less, moving more,

Dawne

Day 120 - Weigh In and New Understanding

Today was my official weigh in day and I did not lose a full pound or gain one. You might think I'd be upset, but I am not upset at all! We had five days straight of celebrations that involved high calorie food, I ate within moderation, exercised and actually lost .4 of a pound in reality.

Since I have battled an "all or nothing" mentality most of my life, when the Weight Watchers scales started weighing every point of a pound, it drove me nuts. Being .2 away from a pound was not encouraging to me. I preferred the Dr.'s scales, where it measured in .5 pound increments. So, when I began my journey, I decided moderation was in order or weighing as well. I would treat numbers like we do rounding up and down for cents. If I'm .5 or above, I round up, and vice versa. In terms of my weigh in today, I was 197.4 last Tuesday, which I rounded to 197 and will continue to use this method. Today, I was 197.0, so although it is the same number using my method, I know the scale is moving in the right direction. I don't get to count the .4, but it makes the non-loss easier!

Even if I had gained a pound, I wouldn't have been devastated because there was some serious high calorie food involved in our lives this past week. The fact that I didn't gain at least a pound is testament to high calorie burn exercise - thanks to my interval training power walk/jog 4 miles!

You may remember that my fast day this month did not turn out the way that I had hoped due to my son being ill and other demands on my time. Today, I took a day to re-do my monthly fast and I'm so glad that I did. Physically, I feel great. I feel like all that extra food weighing me down from Christmas is gone! Spiritually, I feel challenged. I understood so many new things about my journey today because of spending the time in prayer and reading.

There are so many thoughts going through my mind and my excitement is bursting as I gain new understanding in regards to my lifetime eating issues. It's so amazing how today's events worked together to bring about this understanding, which I have not completely figured out. If you don't believe in God, you can chalk it up to coincidence, but I know that God is revealing more and more to me as I journey through lifetime change with Him.

Part of my fast day was spent reading a book given to me by my good friend, David. It's called, "When People are Big and God is Small". I am only on Chapter Five as it is very heavy reading, but it has opened my eyes to the fact that I fear man. I put far too much weight on the opinion of others in regards to every aspect of my life. God has opened up understanding to various reasons why this has occurred, which I will share in a later post.

Later in the day, I was encouraging another believing blogger regarding the fruits of the Spirit, as laid out in Galatians, found in the New Testament of the Bible. Giving out advice and encouragement caused me to read that passage again and ponder it a new. I ended up reading all of Galatians, using The Message. (the bible, paraphrased in contemporary English) It strongly teaches against the fear of man and living by rules. I read it over and over again in terms of "dieting" and how I've "dieted" in the past. I came to a new understanding of what it means to be free in Christ in regards to my eating.

I will share more about what I have learned about myself, my journey and God's plan in a later post. How could I have read that book so many times in the past and not apply it to the biggest struggle in my life? How come I've never understood this book in regards to my eating before now?

This new understanding has given me further hope that this is my time! I am changed! I will succeed in losing weight and keeping it off for a lifetime, but more importantly, I will live a live of freedom from the bondage of overeating and bingeing.

First thing this morning, I exercised with a resistance band, power walking for 2 miles, in a fasted state. I drank only water and tea until supper, when I broke my fast with a light meal of chicken/vegetable, chow mien noodle stir fry and roasted brussel sprouts. I got the recipe from "Endurance Isn't Only Physical". They were like candy. I loved them!!! They remind me of roasted asparagus, which I also love.

I am facing the last 47 pounds of loss in the last half of this weigh loss journey. Then, begins the maintenance. My friend Melissa, who has lost over 100 pounds and kept it off for a couple of years, told me that I will miss losing weight. She has found maintenance very difficult. She said I will want to gain 10 pounds, just so I can lose them and stay in the losing weight mode. That made sense to me. I have never managed to maintain my healthy weight because I did miss losing weight. I know I don't have to worry about it, but it's interesting to think about.

As I battle the next 47 pounds, I do not want the weight loss to slow down! I am still averaging a loss of 3 pounds per week, despite remaining the same today. I have decided that because I enjoy my fast days, I am going to fast every Monday, from supper to supper. Once a month, I will fast the full day - from supper to breakfast two mornings later. I also plan to exercise in a fasted state at least 3 times a week, leaving the other 2 times to when I can fit it into my day. I don't enjoy getting up early and I know that I cannot maintain that discipline for a lifetime. So, the days I can have a later start, I will exercise before breakfast. We've had a big snowfall, so it will be the jogging video until the ice and snow melt. I will jog from one bridge to the next on the canal path before summer!

Thanks for reading! Thanks for your comments. They are such an important part of my journey. I can't fully articulate how much your support has helped me along this lifestyle change in my life. I am feeling so pumped in every way regarding the second leg of the journey.

Eating less, moving more,

Dawne

Day 119 - 19 Years, 15 Year, Happy Days

19 years ago, I married Greg, at the age of 22! We look so young! What were we thinking? I remember our Christmas wedding like it was yesterday - the music was divine, the weather cold and snowy just like I wanted it, the guests important in my life at the time and the service elegant. We had a late afternoon/evening wedding and then we were off to Bermuda for four weeks, although we only lasted two weeks. We came home early because we were getting bored and wanted to get home and "play house"!

Four years later, we got a surprise when our first born made her way into the world, 3 1/2 weeks early, arriving on our 4th anniversary! What an incredible gift! She was so tiny and so blonde. I remember holding her on my chest, skin to skin (which I had to fight for) and her peeking up at me. I know the experts tell us that new born babies cannot see, but I felt like I saw that baby's soul and I was forever connected.

Here we are 19 years later, a family. I am so grateful for a loving husband who has literally stood by me through thick and thin. I was thin when I met him, thin when I married him, but I didn't stay thin! I was maintaining about 139 when I was married and my current goal is 10 pounds heavier than this wedding photo. I know the hair and sleeves are soooo 1980's, but come on, it was 1990. I was ahead of my time with the simple flowers - most carried big, floral sprays in that era. Marriage has taken work, especially in the communication department, but I have been incredibly blessed. I married a godly, loyal, good man who is an incredible father to our two children.

My little baby girl, 15 years later, is a real beauty! I never imagined I would have such a beautiful girl. Sometime when we're walking through the mall and people take a second glance at her (she really is that pretty), I think they're wondering how a beauty like her could have a Mom like me! Not only is she gorgeous, she is kind, thoughtful, loving, academically gifted, driven, on fire for God, a talented musician and athlete. (rowing) Can you tell I'm a proud Mom?

Although we're not celebrating my 11 year old today, he is the cutest, funniest little boy I have ever met. He can make my day with an off the cuff remark that sends me into fits of laughter! He completed our family and we're so grateful for him.

December 28, 1990, 1994 and 2009 - all happy days! We had a great celebration today, leaving for downtown Toronto this morning for a day of fun. We enjoyed the big city with it's tall buildings, energy and life on the streets, fantastic shopping and good food. Mama made sure she didn't over do enjoying the good food! ( can't really say the same thing about moderation in regards to shopping - one problem at a time!!! :) I had my usual 30 calorie breakfast and then a bowl of grilled veggies and a chicken drumstick for lunch. While everyone enjoyed decadent snacks late afternoon, I enjoyed my apple, convincing myself that I wouldn't enjoy the fries/bagels the others were eating! We had a late supper at Baton Rouge and I was thrilled to make the choice to share a meal with my son. We shared a prime rib dinner and a salad, and it was just enough! I was almost full and was able to enjoy a cup of tea at the end of my meal to fill my tank to full.

Other good choices for today were taking a huge water bottle, and although my family complained how many times I required a bathroom, I know keeping hydrated was a wise, healthy decision. We walked for hours today and I truly do have to almost jog to keep up with my long legged family. I made the choice to run up any stairs that we faced. (the car park several times, the stairs in the Eaton Center) There were a few times when I felt out of breath and I know that I exercised as best I could for today.

Tomorrow is weigh in day. To be quite honest, I'm a bit anxious about the number facing me tomorrow morning. I have eaten way more high calorie foods this week than I intended. This is normal. It's what skinny people do at Christmas. The celebrating is officially over for us, after 5 straight days of parties involving copious food, and I truly can be back on routine tomorrow. If I am down a pound, it will be because I kicked my exercise into high gear, jogging three times this week. My exercise was the most hard core it has been since I started this journey in September. I don't know how I'll feel if I haven't lost, or worse, if I have gained, but I know I'm hard core back on my eating and exercise program and I was today! I did not blow it once today, or eat anything high calorie or to excess.

No matter what the scale says tomorrow, I made good choices today and it's been a happy, happy day.

Eating less, moving more,

Dawne

Day 118 - Missing My Routine

I love Christmas and being on holidays. I love visiting with both sides of the families and all the social gatherings, but I have officially had it! I need my life's routine back. Eating is so easy when I am in my routine. Today was the last big dinner celebration and although tomorrow will be a day out to the big city (Toronto), I feel like I can be back in control of my routine and what my food options are.

I was thankful for those who commented on my physical change today and I love sharing about my inside change too. I know that the two go together. If I want permanent, life time weight change, I have to permanently change the way I deal with stress, disappointment, the way I view myself, the way I view food and my relationship with God. I am changing, but I continue to strive towards the goal of fully knowing Him and living for Him in every area of my life. I have no interest in replacing my sin of overeating with another replacement for God.

I considered exercising when I got home from today's celebration, but I am whipped and I have a headache. I exercised twice yesterday and will have 5 days in this week by working out tomorrow,so today is a rest day.

My eating was in control today. I knew I could not start on the homemade caramel corn. It will be there next Christmas, just as it's been there for the last 19 years of my life with the Warkentin family. I didn't feel like battling the caramel corn, so I chose to not even try with moderation on that. Breakfast was an egg white omelet, lunch was a full turkey dinner and I said yes to dessert - not my plan, but I did. The up side is I did not leave that table full and I could have easily eaten more to feel full. I had a few grapes and a clementine for a snack and then some veggies, crackers and cheese and meat buns for the evening meal. Normally, if I was in routine, I would have had only a salad or soup for supper. I really took it easy, eating very lightly, so I feel successful with handling yet another Christmas celebration.

Although we are celebrating a birthday and an anniversary tomorrow, I can choose soup or salad for lunch and then we plan to go out for Korean food for our supper meal. We will be on our feet all day, walking around down town Toronto and it will be exercise because my family all have LONG legs and I can't keep up with them without practically jogging. They don't tend to slow down their pace for Mama with the short legs!

19 years ago tonight, it was my last night as a single lady! 15 years ago, I was in labour, about to meet my first baby in just a few hours! I wasn't in routine then and I'm not feeling in routine now, but I'm going to enjoy the end of these big celebrations and find a holiday routine. I can't wait to lose the second half of this 100 pounds!

Eating less, moving more,

Dawne

Day 117 - That's What Skinny People Do!

As a teenager, I remember my friend sharing with me that she had overate that day. She followed that statement with the fact that she would simply eat lightly for a few days and then get back on her normal eating cycle. It perplexed me then. I can still see exactly where we were standing when she told me this. It seemed so simple, so sensible and yet totally foreign to my habits.

I have come to realize that skinny people over do it on Christmas Day. Then, they eat lightly to counteract the overeating that day and likely don't overeat until the next Thanksgiving! Watching skinny people eat and listening to their views on food is fascinating to me. For the most part, I have discovered that they view food differently than I have.

Yes, I over did it on Christmas Eve and was up a pound on Christmas Day, but luckily I had to weigh myself again today to report on 266's weigh loss challenge, which ran until today. I lost that pound, so it was likely the late night, high sodium eating and not really a full pound of fat overnight! 266 lost 4 pounds the week of Christmas! Can you believe that? My official weigh in is on Tuesday, and I hope to be down 2 pounds and then I'm kicking into high gear people!

I planned to exercise first thing this morning, but when I woke up (late!), my children were playing their new Wii games on the big TV in the family room. How could I kick them out? So, I figured I would just exercise late tonight, when we arrived home from my family's Christmas celebration. Then, I remembered that pound and I remembered Sherah's continual commitment to exercising in a fasted state to burn more fat. I thought about how I told you all, in black and white, on the World Wide Web that I was going to work out first thing in the morning, so I dressed in my work out clothes and went outside for a power walk/jog. Wouldn't you know it, it was raining!, but I didn't let that deter me. Knowing that I was going to make us a bit late for arriving at my Grandma's for lunch, I kicked it into high gear, in the rain, and power walked and jogged with more gusto than my previous jog. I am pretty sure I jogged more than the other night and I had the same experience - it was exhilarating! I love the feel of my body when it's jogging. I sprinted, running as fast as I could, for one interval before my cool down. I can't tell you how exciting this is for me. I don't have to find time to get to the gym, or pay for it for that matter, but I can power walk and jog outside and get a fantastic work out.

I brought some turkey soup I made last night to my Grandma's for lunch. I strictly ate only the bowl of soup and thenwe helped her husband set up his new Wii that Santa brought and off we went to my brother's for the celebration. (minus my parents who are in Newfoundland and my sister, who is in England) There was a lot of food, but I had only had the soup that day and I was able to make good choices and eat to just before full.

Ruth Anne, a kindred spirit, asked me why I eat to 'just before full' and how I can tell I am that point. Well, I like to leave some room. I really think about my food and its affect on my body when I eat now, so I can understand myself and my body's needs. Eating to just before full, I don't leave the table hungry per se, but I could have a few more bites before I truly felt "full". I hate feeling full now. I have come to discover that what I used to consider full was too much food! Just before full, I could keep going, but I know that I don't have to. Less is more. Eating this way makes me feel energized and alive! My supper plate had 3 home made perogies with a dollop of sour cream, a tbsp of nacho dip and a few bakes pita chips, veggies, 4 meat balls, 2 slices of deli turkey and 2 thin slices of salami and then I had a piece of red velvet cake and 2 tbsp of trifle. I had hoped to avoid the dessert, but, it's Christmas and I ate WAY less than I would have in the past.

Tomorrow, is my husband's family celebration where we will have another turkey dinner at noon. I hope to say NO to the dessert. I've had enough for one week. But, I will enjoy the Mennonite meat buns for the evening meal, that my MIL makes. They are simply amazing! They're just little tiny dough buns with a spicy ground beef filling. Normally, only one meal would be something other than soup or salad. I will make sure I only have veggies and a few meat buns and not indulge in the rest of the treats, of which there will be many.

When we arrived home from Toronto, my daughter and husband went out for a run, but my daughter fell because it was icy. So, they returned home and she wanted to do my jogging DVD. I joined her for 1 mile! So, I've started my day and ended up day with jogging and I'm hoping that takes care of all the red velvet cake calories!

My new mantra

I'm living life without food/treats deprivation, but losing weight! I want to do what skinny people do!

Eating less, moving more,

Dawne

Day 116 - My Favourite Gift Was a Size

Merry Christmas Blogger Friends

Although I am completely exhausted, I couldn't have a day without a post. It was an early start to the day and an enjoyable day of giving, receiving, worshiping, preparing and enjoying. Now, it's time for a bath, with my new bubble bath, and bed.

Christmas Challenge Countdown

I joined Bella's Challenge and I set out to lose 20 pounds by Christmas Day, from 219 to 199. I am sad to report that I gained 1 pound for the first time since September 1st, but I am down 22 pounds to the challenge day and have exceeded my goal! The challenge helped me stay focused to Christmas Day. Last night's feast stayed with me until weigh in this morning! The old me would be freaking out and doubting myself, but I know that a lot of the gain is sodium and because I ate rich, fatty foods that haven't been in my diet for four months. I could still be down 2 pounds in total by my weigh in day, but not if I don't get right back on program now.

I can easily gain 5 pounds in a day! I didn't even binge last night, just ate foods I don't normally and ate to almost a discomfort level, as I reported last night. Sunshine Mama gave me some good advice, to learn from it and not let it get my down that I've broken my "perfect" streak of not eating past full once since I began. Today, I chose a Freedom Day, for obvious reasons and I made a good choice at breakfast, eating the whole wheat and oats blueberry muffin over the cinnamon roll with icing. The food I consumed today is too much to list, but I made sure I didn't stuff myself. At supper, I probably could have stopped sooner...I was at full when I stopped instead of just before full.

There are big family celebrations tomorrow and the next day and then our anniversary and our daughter's birthday on Monday. I'm done eating. I have enjoyed and indulged like a normal person does on Christmas Day, but now it's time to be strict. There's no need to keep on eating at the rest of the gatherings. I'm back on program and I will be extremely strict with myself so I can lose some weight by Friday's weigh in.

We had a lovely gift opening. I love how excited our children are to give. Giving is their love language. Watching us open and marvel at our gifts is just as important to them as receiving their own gifts. I received many lovely things, including a new blender to make my smoothies! My favourite gift, however, was SIZE MEDIUM! My husband bought me a shirt from Cleo, one of my favourite stores and a pair of pj's, both in a size medium. By choosing that size, he said, "I see the changes in you, I believe they are permanent, and you will reach your weight loss goals." They don't fit at this point, but they will fit in 2 months. I can't wait to wear them. They are my next "goal" clothes. I will never forget his gift of "medium" to me. I love him!

There was no exercise yesterday or today, so I plan to wake up early tomorrow and exercise in a fasted state to burn more of this fat I consumed! I'm looking forward to my egg white omelet tomorrow morning and eating back on plan!

Merry Christmas!

Eating less, moving more,

Dawne

Day 115 - Twas the Night Before...

Not only is it the night before Christmas but also the night before my sneak peek weigh in day, marking the end of Bella's Countdown to Christmas Challenge. December 26 marks the final day of 266's challenge. Between making my goals for these challenges and Christmas morning so close, who can sleep? Good thing I can't because I still have cinnamon rolls to make for the morning, a pie crust and some gifts to wrap!

I went into Christmas Eve food battle with a plan - eat low calories at breakfast and lunch, check, and eat only to full at the evening feast. I am a bit sad that I think I ate to full, not just before full. I feel a bit like I overindulged, but nothing like I have done in the past. We ate really late, so I was quite hungry and I ate foods that I normally don't touch, so I'm feeling a bit funky.

Today and tomorrow will be rest days from exercise, but after my jog last night, there will exercise results on my body. Depending on the weather, maybe the family will take a Christmas Day walk, where I will try and push it.

Tomorrow is a freedom day and I'm going to make sure I don't take that last bite to full. I really enjoy eating to almost full. I feel better after a meal if I haven't quite reached full. It's not even enjoyable to sit there stuffed after a Christmas Dinner.

Have a fantastic Christmas morning and I'll check in with you all when there is a dull in the activity around here.

Eating less, moving more, despite the holiday,

Dawne

Day 114 - A Day of Changed Plans

My daily life is completely out of its normal routine, which causes some havoc in regards to eating and exercising. This is life. It's Christmas vacation, the kids are home from school, special food preparations are on going and I have to find ways to cope - moderately! I refuse to celebrate with an all or nothing attitude. In many ways, it would be easier to stick to a strict eating plan and not enjoy any of the special foods that comes with Christmas. It would also be easier to forget about my plan for a few days and simply indulge. Neither of those options will be my choice this Christmas - moderation will be my choice.

I planned to exercise in a fasted state this morning, but life happened, and we all slept in! I had to get my grocery lists aligned with my Christmas menu, feed the kids breakfast and get my daughter to the dentist. Her wisdom teeth are coming in and causing her pain. So, exercise did not occur as planned.

Eating was bang on for breakfast and lunch and I chose not to snack today. The afternoon was spent preparing for my daughter's 15th birthday party. Her actual birth date is Dec. 28, which is also our wedding anniversary. She found it was easier to hold her party before the week of Christmas as some of her friends were travelling over the holiday. I took the girls for manicures and we had some finger foods at the nail salon. I had a few shrimp, some fruit pieces and a handful of baked pita chips with some nacho dip. This was the beginning of my supper. We arrived home to pizza and wings. I had planned on avoiding those foods altogether tonight with the many high calorie foods I will want to sample this week. I had a change of plans however. With some salad, I had one small square of cheese pizza and two chicken wings. In the past, I would have enjoyed at least 4 squares (they are small) and 6 wings! I believe I ate in moderation. I did say NO to the ice cream birthday cake and had a low fat, 60 calorie ice cream bar instead. I know that this was a good choice.

After the meal and gift opening, the girls went to the family room to watch movies, which meant I couldn't do my exercise video. I had hoped to squeeze it in this afternoon, but there has been a lot of running around with preparations for Christmas and the birthday party! At about 9:15pm, I decided to post and tell you all that I was disappointed that I didn't exercise, but life happened. I had a change of plans. I didn't want to disappoint myself or you, so I asked my husband if he would go out jogging/power walking with me.

I have NEVER jogged outside in my 41 years of life. We live right beside the Welland Canal, which has a beautiful path that I have often walked. We dressed in our work out clothes, donned toques and gloves and started our work out. My husband, who is extremely fit, buff and hot!, was wonderful along the way. We power walked, him going way SLOWER than normal for me, and we jogged about 3 minutes at a time, power walked, jogged again, etc. It was exhilarating! I felt so alive, as I breathed in that cold winter air. We had a sweaty 45 minute work out and my legs are done for!

If someone had told me that I'd be jogging with my husband by December 2009, I honestly would have thought winning a million dollars was more likely! I want to do it again and again! I have a short term goal to jog from where we enter the path to the first lift bridge. Little goals will bring me to jogging the entire route that he and my daughter run on a regular basis. This is just so exciting!!!

I do have a problem with peeing when I run!!!! HELP! I know that I'm not alone because my SIL, who is fit and active, chooses not to run due to the same problem. I've only birthed 2 children, I can't imagine what Sherah must go through! I'm not quitting over some incontinence. I've buy Depends if I have to - I will be a jogger!

The day brought changes to my laid out plans, but I am pleased with the day and my progress!

Eating less, moving more,

Dawne

Day 113 - A Little Harder Today

Today was my weekly weigh in and I am happy to report that I am down 2 more pounds. I was hoping for a 3 pound loss with all of the food I am facing this weekend, but 2 is better than none. So, here are the stats:

- 16 weeks of eating less and moving more

- Loss of 53 pounds

- Average of 3 pounds per week

- 47 pounds to go until my goal of 100 pounds down!

- Exercising 5 days a week - aerobic exercise and strengthening/toning exercise

- Emotionally/Mentally/Spiritually focused on God, which gives me the strength to change

- 7 pounds to 60 pounds lost and my third 20 pound progress photo

My next weigh in is on Friday - Christmas Day, when I report my final numbers for the Christmas Countdown Challenge, where I set out to lose 20 pounds by Christmas and reach Onderland. I have exceeded that goal by 3 pounds, thus far.

Preparations are well underway in my household and the excitement is building! My son was whistling "It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas" all day! My eating was in check, but today wasn't the easiest. Every thing was going fine until I cut some squares that my neighbour baked. They are the Confetti Squares - made with peanut butter, butterscotch chips and mini coloured marshmallows. I have had many a binge on these little delights! With my supper, I had 1/2 piece as well as 1 very small whipped shortbread cookie. Well, I could have eaten the entire pan of Confetti Squares. The smell of them was making me float, just like Fred Flintstone does when he smells a Brontosaurus Burger on the grill! I finished cutting them, put them in the containers and got away from the situation. My husband cleaned up the dinner dishes and I am off to exercise. That sounds like the perfect way to combat tempting desserts!

Other than that temptation, it was a great eating day.

Breakfast - egg white omelet, OJ

Lunch - Chicken Noodle Soup

Supper - Egg Noodles, Beef Goulash, Mixed Veggies, 1 small cookie, 1/4 Confetti Square and a whole lot of temptation for more!

If I am still thinking about these crazy squares at the end of the night, I will bring them to my neighbour. I am off to see a movie with no popcorn! I plan to lose weight the week of Christmas!

Eating less, moving more and staying AWAY from Confetti Squares,

Dawne

Day 112 - It's Beginning To Feel A Lot Like Christmas!

It is finally beginning to "feel" like Christmas in Southern Ontario. We celebrated Christmas Sunday yesterday, the children were off of school today, it snowed for the better part of the day and Jahred and I worked on a sugar cookie house/truck. Luckily for me, the candy isn't all that tempting. Now, if we were decorating these sugar cookies with steak, macaroni or popcorn drowning in butter, there might have been a problem!

I played Christmas music all day, my daughter stood at the Salvation Army Christmas kettle and Greg and I wrapped almost half of the gifts. Tomorrow is more Christmas preparation - baking rolls, making a pie and organizing groceries for the various celebrations. I love to cook, so it is not a stress for me to prepare the various foods.

I've been in organization mode today, getting things done that have been waiting too long! Busy with everyday life, we've left some of our unpacking untouched! I unpacked the last two boxes today. They were the first two boxes I packed to leave Canada in 2005! They were put into storage and have been in our office closest since we arrived home in 2008. I unpacked china, crystal, table clothes and dollies - giving the thrift shop a box full of things I didn't even remember I had! Of course, I missed the china, but I bought service for 16 in Bangladesh with every serving bowl, dish, soup terrain you can think of - all for the bargain price of $200.00.

As I prepared for Christmas and organized things in the house, I was overwhelmed with how happy I feel. I am so blessed. It is a very special time in my life. I have a husband who loves me and is a great father to our children, two smart, talented, vibrant children, a home that reflects who we are as a family, good friends, a good church, a fulfilling career - there is so much to be thankful for!

I was reminded that this is my time. I cannot articulate what clicked inside of me to realize that change could happen. I wish I knew why it's working this time, how I got through that first day, first week. But, I am grateful. I don't know why I can bake and decorate with candy without even being tempted to snack. What is going on with me? This is a total change - a miracle really. It's nothing I've done. I really can't take credit it for it. I am so thankful.

I leave you with a my famous sugar cookie recipe. Every time I serve them, I am asked for the recipe.

2 cups sugar

1 cup butter - cream sugar and butter together

Add:

1 cup sour cream

3 eggs

1 tsp. baking soda

1 tsp. vanilla

1 tsp. lemon extract

Slowly add - 4 cups of flour

Cover and let sit in fridge 1 hour. When rolling, a fair amount of flour is needed. Cut into desired shapes and bake at 350 for 7 - 10 minutes. Cookies are done with they slightly to brown around edges. Cool and ice. I like making Christmas trees, making the icing like garland, then adding a silver sugar ball at the point of each branch.

My eating day was great. Egg white omelet and oj for breakfast, chicken, orange, cranberry salad for lunch, snack consisted of 2 fresh pineapple spears and 1 small handful of almonds, supper was brown rice, 2 drum sticks with an Asian sauce and roasted asparagus, followed by a Skinny Cow Ice Cream bar.

By the way, the Asian sauce is easy and delicious!

1/4 cup ketchup

1/4 cup soy sauce

1/4 cup honey

1/4 hoisin sauce

fresh garlic, fresh ginger

I add this to chicken and I use it as a glaze for pork tenderloin. I also stir fry baby bok choy with cremini mushroom and add 1/4 of the sauce, then I slice the pork tenderloin and serve it over the veggies. My kids LOVE this!

One more favourite:

3-2-1 Salad Dressing

3 tbsp. olive oil

2 tbsp. red wine or balsamic vinegar

1 tbsp. brown sugar

or oil, lemon juice and honey for a more citrus tasting dressing. I often add garlic to the first dressing recipe for Greek Salad. I better sign off before I give away all of my cooking secrets!

I hope your Christmas preparations are going well! My weekly weigh in results will be posted tomorrow.

Eating less, moving more,

Dawne

Day 111 - Christmas Sunday Wardrobe Upset!

Today was my favourite Sunday of the year - when we light the final advent candle and celebrate the coming of God in a baby. I LOVE everything about Christmas and I always have. By the way, when we lived abroad, I learned that lighting the advent candles is a very North American expression of worship. I had planned to wear a blouse/shirt that I had tailored in Bangladesh that I have been waiting to fit in again. I saved this particular garment for this special Sunday. I planned to it with wear a red jacket, that I've had for some time, but was unable to wear for the past few years due to my weight.

I woke up with a little bit of excitement regarding my wardrobe choice and began to get ready for this special Sunday. Yes, you've guessed already - they were too big! They truly were too big to wear as they looked quite sloppy. Part of me was ecstatic and part of me was disappointed because I love the blouse. The jacket I can say good bye to, but when you choose fabrics at a market filled with thousands of choices, draw a shirt for the tailor, develop a repoire with the tailor and fashion your clothes to reflect yourself, the clothes become more than clothes. They become precious memories. I remember the smell of the market, the smile of the tailor, the confusion in making the shirt due to the language barrier.

Although the outfit didn't work for this morning, I will keep my blouse until I reach my goal weight and have it taken in to fit. I will happily replace the jacket with another garment when I finally see 149 on that scale!

Despite the wardrobe upset, Christmas Sunday was still lovely. I was blessed to sing "Panis Angelicus" with the accompaniment of my daughter on piano and my husband on cello. The entire service was uplifting and the message of Christmas made applicable to my everyday life.

Following the service, I made the pieces for a sugar cookie house and truck with my son. There was a lot of dough, so I made a pile of little men, snowflakes and Christmas trees. I can honestly say that I wasn't even tempted to eat them. I know that I can have one during a planned meal and it will be worth the wait! (my recipe is amazing...from my Mother in law...let me know if you'd like it)

Next came a 4 fast miles work out with interval training. I pushed it to the limit! I pushed myself until it hurt and it felt great. For a split second, I actually thought, "Pauline, I am loving this!!!" Pauline is an exercise expert, whose exercise class and lifestyle advice was much appreciated while living in Bangladesh. From day one, she commented on my blog that I need to fall in love with exercise. I truly believe that day is coming.

Food wise, I had a great day with an egg white omelet for breakfast with 1/2 of orange juice, lunch was a bowl of homemade chicken noodle soup, snack was a few spears of fresh pineapple and supper was at Red Lobster, where I shared a meal with my son. I enjoyed 1/4 of a salad with Italian dressing, 1/2 steak, a few onion rings and 1 small baked potato with 1 tsp. butter, 1 tbsp of sour cream.

Tomorrow I plan to make my new favourite salad.

Greens

Chicken breast strips or light feta or light blue cheese crumbled

Pomegranate seeds

Clementines

Toasted walnuts

Dressing - 3 tbsp. olive oil, 2 tbsp. red wine vinegar, salt and pepper ( I use just 1 tbsp. on my salad)

Two more sleeps until weigh in!

Eating less, moving more,

Dawne

Day 110 - How It All Came To Be

My last year in Asia, I began studying the habits of thin people. How come they didn't seem obsessed with the calorie and fat content in food like I was? I actually began interviewing certain people, regarding their eating habits and views on eating. Generally speaking, those who were thin did not really think about the calories or fat content in food and they had some sort of regular exercise routine. I also observed that most had a "regular" breakfast and lunch eating pattern in terms of food choices.

When I arrived home in Canada, I gained every pound back that I had lost that year and about 25 more - all in beef consumption I think! I missed beef whilst in Bangladesh. I joined Weight Watchers again, counted points for a week and simply could not bear it. I think WW is a sound program with excellent nutritional guidelines and I think it's purpose is to be a lifestyle and not a diet, but counting points for a lifetime wasn't going to work in my life. I knew I couldn't possibly keep it up for a life time. I would stop counting and I would start gaining weight. I had one weigh in and that was it.

The next thing to occur in helping me form my plan was my friend relaying information regarding an acquaintance of mine. She had recently lost weight and had lost it by eating only fruit for breakfast, soup for lunch and whatever she was preparing for supper that evening. The simplicity of that style of eating appealed to me. I knew fruit would never tie me over until lunch though.

In the summer, I met with my dear friend and colleague with an out of this world soprano voice, who also struggles with weight. Her husband had come across an study called, "A Woman of Moderation", by Dee Brestin. She had him order her two books and we started the study together. I was hooked! The entire concept of moderation is exactly how I wanted to live with other areas of my life once returning from Bangladesh. It's almost impossible to fully understand how much we live with here unless you have lived in a poor, third world country. It changes you forever and I knew I wanted to live like a changed woman in Canada.

Dee Brestin encourages her readers to follow a program called "The Lord's Table", from the "Setting Captives Free" program. If that doesn't work out, she then suggests eating moderately at every meal or lastly, a program like Weight Watchers. I began to follow "The Lord's Table" method of eating and although I didn't continue with it as a whole, it certainly has played a huge role in my current eating patterns.

"The Lord's Table" works on a seven day plan. The week consists of 2 half days - where you eat half of what you normally would, 2 liquids only days, 1 normal day and 1 fast day. (water only) I tried this program for a few weeks, but I found I couldn't function at my best in my work place eating food only 3 days a week. That didn't seem reasonable or sensible to me. So, I gave up! That's me - or I should say, that was me - all or nothing!

As I contemplated these various experiences I had, I wondered if I could glean something from all of them and make a program that suited me. I believe God showed me the way! The half days of "The Lord's Table" program taught me half of what I want to eat is usually enough. Eating half of my plate taught me to savour the half I ate. If I take my time and savour the food, I am able to figure out when I'm reaching full and stop. The fast days of the program taught me the real reasons to fast and that the physical side would not kill me. You can go a day without food - who knew? My friend's method of losing weight, with the fruit, soup and family supper made me yearn for something easy and that I could enjoy with my family. I wasn't interested in making two meals - one my family would like and one I could eat.

My personal eating plan is really a fusion of all of these experiences. I know the basic calorie count of what I'm eating for breakfast and lunch, so I know I can basically eat what I want for supper without risking eating too many calories to lose weight. Add the exercise to the eating program and what do you have? An overweight lady who is eating less and moving more and losing weight - 52 pounds in 3 1/2 months!

The entire concept of moderation has been freeing for me and I'll write more thoughts regarding this in the future.

Eating less, moving more,

Dawne

Day 109 - In the Groove

Everyday things seem a little easier. I don't feel like I'm on a diet! I don't wake up trying to figure out what I can and can't eat today, planning for the next lunch or snack, careful not to eat too many points before supper. Let me tell you, it's freeing! I feel like I'm in a groove...like it's a natural fit. It was a natural thought to change into my work out clothes first thing this morning and get my work out out of the way. I pushed myself and I'm feeling it now! My eating program suits my lifestyle perfectly and I am losing weight!!!!

Today was my sneak peek weigh in day, where I get a glimpse of how things are going before my official weekly weigh in on Tuesday. I was down another pound! Therefore, my progress for the Christmas Challenge Countdown is 2 pounds past my goal of 20 pounds before Christmas! I'd love it if I could be at 25 pounds down before Christmas Day, but we'll see...it's only a week away! That brings my total weight loss to 52 pounds, but maybe that will be a higher number come Tuesday!

I am feeling incredibly positive regarding this entire process. Why is it easy this time when it's been so difficult in the past? If I could answer that, I'd probably be a millionaire! I know that there may be tougher challenges in the future, but I'm enjoying the strength I am building while I'm in my present groove!

Another reason for my great mood tonight is that after watching the video of my high school choir, I was pleasantly surprised at how happy I was with the weight loss in my face! Now, my entire body is not showing, but I think I look like a reasonably weighted person in the video. I do blink my eyes an awful lot!!! There's nothing worse than watching yourself on video. I had to laugh at the boys in the front row - one has his music practically on the ground and one looks at his neighbour's music the entire time! Then, the blonde girl at the end is focusing on the camera instead of her conductor! I love these kids!

I woke up to a four mile power walk/run and chose a freedom day. With Christmas Day coming in a week, I knew today was a good day to have my freedom day so that they are not too close together. I plan to lose weight the week before Christmas, the week of Christmas and the week after Christmas. I also plan to eat a moderate Christmas meal with a moderate piece of dessert. For breakfast I ate 1 small slice of whole wheat bran bread, with some light peanut butter and sugar free jam. Lunch was at a restaurant with my friend, and I had mussels in a tomato broth (instead of the cream broth) and a salad with tandoori chicken, tons of greens, a bit of goat cheese, mandarin oranges and lightly dressed. Supper was a reduced fat grilled burger with 1 piece of corn on the cob, followed by a 1/4 slice of a chocolate, caramel coated apple. Tomorrow is back to the usual eating plan and plenty of exercise!

Eating less, moving more and enjoying the journey,

Dawne

Day 108 - Holidays Are Here Again!

I am officially on holidays! I finished working this evening, with a choir performance at the Niagara Regional Council meetings. I am pretty sure there will be a write up in the paper, so I'll post it, if I'm looking thin enough!

I'm not on a holiday from my new lifestyle however. That does not go on and off. It's a permanent change to a moderate lifestyle I am after. I've been thinking about the holidays and so far, I've gotten off pretty easy with events that involve amazing food. I've been able to plan for the various events, attend hungry, but not too hungry, allowing myself to eat moderately and make wise food choices. It requires balance. I'm not saying no to every thing I enjoy, based on calories alone. I like bread and spinach dip, so I will have a few pieces to satisfy my taste buds and not a bite more.

Eating outside of my program slightly crossed my mind today, but the mental struggle/game is far different than it has been in the past. Some darling students have me given sweet gifts - chocolate almond bark, a tin of Quality Street Chocolates, a caramel, chocolate coated apple. It's a lot of temptation sitting on my counter! I'm not a huge chocolate lover as I don't have a sweet tooth, but it did cross my mind how nice it would to be to enjoy a treat. Well, I can enjoy a treat. It will have to wait to my free meal and I will have to be hungry and it will have to be in moderation. Those treats have no power over me. How crazy that food once did? As if a candy is forcing me to put it in my mouth, but it honestly felt that way at times.

My eating day was good with Kashi for breakfast, a salad for lunch and a chicken wrap for supper. I'm feeling a bit hungry, but it's too late at night for a snack, so I will have a cup of tea and head to bed. Tomorrow is my sneak peek weigh in and I am anxious to see if the scale has moved.

Eating less, moving more,

Dawne

Day 107 - Double Duty!

I don't know what has gotten into me, but I exercised twice today. That's right, I was on double exercise duty! I woke up and decided to jog/run for a mile with good ol' Lesley Sansone before breakfast. My sister in law, who works out with a personal trainer, informed me that more fat is burned if you work out before breakfast. I broke a sweat before starting my day, and although I'm not a morning person, I realized this might be a great time for me to work out on a daily basis. It would be nice to live the day without the commitment of exercise looming over my head.

I had a wonderful morning. Again, I was on double duty, working for two different schools in one morning. The high school choir that I direct sang at the Niagara Regional Staff Christmas Party. We sang in a gorgeous atrium and the acoustics were outstanding! We were able to sing all of our Christmas repertoire, in two different sets, and the students were a dream to conduct! They sounded like angels. The accompanist showed up, but doesn't feel comfortable playing two of the songs, so I was on double duty again, accompanying and leading simultaneously. The feedback we received was fantastic! The meaningful feedback was not regarding our musicality but the message of our music - the significance of the birth of Christ. This is the one time of year that Christians can sing their message without feeling like they are offending. It was a very emotional, uplifting experience. It is such a joy to work with this choir and I thank God everyday for the blessing of this job. Immediately after, I left for the other school I work at, equally a blessing of a job. I spent most of my career working night time hours, keeping a busy, private, home studio. I am thankful for the years of this work as I was able to stay home with my young children, while providing a professional income for our household. It gave my husband an excellent Daddy role, as he had full parenting duties 4 evenings a week.

Once my children reached full days at school, the hours of my career weren't so enticing. The children were gone all day at school and I worked when they came home. It didn't make sense to me. I was able to find a good chunk of day time students, but it was stressful on our home. I remember breaking down one day in the kitchen, crying out to God to save me from my situation. The prospect of living/working in Bangladesh erupted soon after!?!

Arriving back to Canada, I had peace about not resuming such a big studio. My husband's new job provided more income than before we moved and I knew that I couldn't help my children settle back into life in Canada if I was working every school evening. In my first week of teaching, two nights a week, I received a phone call from a prestigious private school, literally offering me a job, based on the recommendation of a trusted source. The job consisted of day time hours, starting after my own children left for school and allowing me to arrive home before them! The school was offering a high wage than I had at my own private studio! It really was a miracle. It is a total gift from God and I am so thankful and grateful. Since last year, my hours have tripled and I feel very at home with the students and staff.

Having such a busy day, I only ate an apple and drank a small V8 juice for lunch, but I felt satisfied with that. Breakfast was an egg white omelet and some orange juice. I had a mid-morning medium 1/2 coffee, 1/2 french vanilla from Tim Hortons. When I arrived home, I had about 10 almonds and 1 mandarin orange. Supper was a pork chop, baked apples, 1/2 medium baked potato and some cauliflower, followed by a Skinny Cow ice cream bar.

I felt completely energized after supper. I had such a super day and I wasn't ready to pack it in. So, instead of sitting in front of the TV, I decided to run in front of it, with good ol' Lesley and her 4 miles walk/run. I love the interval training in this video and I can always feel it in my legs the next day.

It's been a doubles kind of day...double exercising, double schools, double duty, double blessing...I wonder what's next? ;)

Eating less, moving more,

Dawne

Day 106 - Can You Say ONEderland?

I can! I can say that I once again weigh in the 100's, never to cross that 200 pound line again. To the overweight person, crossing that line is like getting over the peak of the mountain. I have more hope today that I will see a healthy weight than I had last weigh in day.

In 15 weeks, I have lost 51 pounds. I hope to lose and keep off another 49 pounds. 49 pounds seems like very little when I was saying I had to lose 100 pounds, just 3 1/2 months ago! My loss is an average of 3.4 pounds per week.

To reach the 100's by Christmas was my gift to myself. My next little goal is to weigh 190, which will bring me to my next 20 pounds lost progress photo. This is getting exciting!

15 weeks have flown by! I can't believe I have been at this lifestyle change for so long! Every time I started in the past, just getting past the first few days seemed to take FOREVER! The first week did seem slow, as I longed for results. I got results!

My long term goal is to live in moderation for a lifetime - in regards to all of life's pleasures. The only thing I want to be immoderate it in is my love for God and for people. I believe I can and will achieve a moderate, healthy lifestyle if this is my focus. I don't want to live with excess anything - not clothes, food, knick knacks, electronics, or just plain stuff!

I have a goal weight that I decided on in September of 149 pounds, bringing me down 100 pounds from the 1st of that month. Maybe, eating moderately will bring my weight down further. Maybe, I won't be able to reach that weight eating less and moving more. I will deal with those issues when they come up. Right now, this is working and I am feeling GREAT!

I had a little bit of stress today as my new choir had its first performance under my direction. I desperately longed to make a good first impression, which probably wasn't the best of intentions. My intentions should be to glorify God through the music, but quite honestly, I wanted to show them that they hired the right person. Just before I left for the journey to the school, I checked my e-mail to discover that the pianist had an emergency and would not be attending!?! We were to sing in front of an audience of about 400 people! A piece of dessert wasn't going to help this situation! How could I have possibly turned to food for these kind of stresses in the past? Seriously, how could a sandwich help me find an accompanist? I had the choir turn towards the piano, from the risers, and I accompanied and directed with my head, eyes, nose and occasionally hands. It wasn't ideal, but I was happy to receive the most encouraging e-mail from the principal by the time I arrived home. God is good.

Food wise, today consisted of 1/2 cup of Kashi cereal for breakfast with 1/2 cup of orange juice, a lettuce, cucumber, tomato, turkey salad for lunch with balsamic vinegar and olive oil, and an apple, snack was 1 Clementine and a handful of raw almonds, supper was 1 bowl of chicken noodle soup and 1 chicken fajita. The fajitas were so tasty - with ample cumin spice and lime juice. I served the meat and vegetables with very small tortillas, so I had planned on two! I was so ticked off when I was full after just one! I almost tried to justify eating another - it was chicken and vegetables, the calorie count minimal, but I will not break the eat to just before full rule. I believe in it. Today was a rest day from exercise, but I will wake up to walking away the pounds with Lesley Sansone with four fast miles.

Eating less, moving more,

Dawne

Day 105 - Disappointing Day

If you read last night's post, you will know that I had great expectations for my fast today. Life doesn't always go as you plan it, even if you have good intentions. The point of my fast is to make me hungry for God, finding solace in Him and learning new things along this journey. You need to make time on a fast day to meditate, pray and read. I thought today would have ample opportunity for just that, but my little Ginger woke up sick!

Between mothering a sick boy and the extra school rehearsal for this week's choir performances, there was no time for reading and proper meditating. I did use the drive time, to and from the High School, (over a hour in total) to pray and think about where I'm at and how I'm feeling in regards to this journey.

I remained true to my fast from food, breaking it with a light supper. But, the point of the fast isn't simply just to deny myself food. I'm trying not to be too hard on myself, but I do have high expectations, which doesn't always work in my favour.

I will replace today's fast day with another day this month. In hindsight, when Jahred woke up ill, I should have changed my day's plan. A lesson for the journey. All is not lost. I have to constantly make a choice not to live in an all or nothing world.

I've been thinking a lot about the past few times I have lost large amounts of weight. 266 shared in her blog that she is feeling like she in unknown territory at her current weight and doesn't know what to make of those feelings. It was so amazing to read her words because she articulated my past feelings close to my goal weight. Who am I in this body? Am I the same person? Do people expect me to behave the same? Do people expect more of me? Do I expect more of me because I am thin? What do I have to hide behind if not my weight? I thought I was crazy the many times I wrestled with those thoughts, but from reading various blogs and follow up comments, I have come to discover that these are normal issues with people in my situation.

I remember the day when I threw in the towel the last time I lost weight. I remember exactly what I was wearing, and I must confess, I looked HOT!! :) I was at my friend's house. She seems to have everything - an extremely professional and successful career, a husband with the same, incredible material wealth, beauty, clothes, fancy cars, very slim body and she was generally supportive throughout my weight loss. One day, knowing full well that I was at my goal weight, and commenting after seeing me in a size 8 outfit, she told me she had seen a skirt at the mall that would look great on me. "It's in the front display, in that big girl's store. You know the one." I was baffled. Clearly, I did not need to shop at the big girl's store. She knew that. Yet, she carried on telling me that it suited me to a tee. I informed her that they would not sell my size, but that didn't help the way I felt. Why bother if I still looked like I needed to shop at the big girl's store?

It is not her fault that I gave up over the comment. I need to reiterate that it was not a passing comment, but an issue she harped on for some time. It destroyed me, but I chose to let it affect me. I did not deal with it and I told no one. Seriously, I can't believe that I just got into all of this! I must be hungry! :) You must understand that she is someone that I admired, looked up to and whose opinion meant everything to me.

Today, I see what really occurred. Despite her admirable career and success, despite her great children and lavish lifestyle, she was jealous that day. She saw that I had overcome my difficulties and was extremely happy. She saw joy in my life and she couldn't find joy in her own life. So, she chose to put me in my place. I forgive her, but it's not her issue that I held her opinion in such high regard. That was my problem and my problem alone. Only God is worthy of my worship, she is just a created thing.

I've stated the hurt. I have forgiven her and have come to accept what happened. Now, I need to forgive myself for throwing in the towel that day.

This time has to be different. I cannot be on a diet that I can fall off. This is a lifestyle change. It's possible that I am half way to goal...tomorrow will tell.

Eating less, moving more,

Dawne

Day 104- Soul Food

Today was our church's Christmas Children's Musical - Candy Cane Lane. I expected to be entertained and proud of my children, but I didn't expect to be challenged and spiritually fed. How ironic that my son, who was in drag, playing a red-headed girl named Ginger, sang about spiritual food - Fat Baby.

It was an excellent reminder that we can so easily fill ourselves up with cake, as in the musical, or other foods, when it's really our hearts and souls are hungry for deeper, spiritual things. In response to today's challenge and reminder, I am going to have my monthly fast day tomorrow. The fast is not to lose weight. The fast from food is not to prove I have discipline. The fast is to make me uncomfortable and unable to be comforted by food. I always learn something profound when I pray, read and meditate on fast days. It's a great lesson to learn that I'm not going to die from not eating one day!

Since I decided upon a fast day tomorrow, I made today my weekly "freedom" day. It is NOT a "cheat" day. It is a day to listen to my body and respond to its hunger needs and wants. For breakfast, I ate 1 small piece of whole wheat bran bread with peanut butter and sugar free jam with 1/2 cup of orange juice. I wanted 2 pieces of bread, but I felt that was pushing it. The bread slices were very small, but I decided that less was more and I was completely satisfied! After the musical, I took my daughter and her friend across the border to buy a "Junior Prom" dress, so we ate lunch out at Jack Astor's. It felt great to make a healthy choice and I was pleased to see a moderate portion arrive at my table! (sometimes the portions in the USA are shockingly huge!) I ordered a grilled chicken breast with feta, roasted pepper, garlic and tomatoes, which was served with a small portion whole wheat noodles, tossed in a fresh tomato sauce.
After 5 hours of shopping and making it across the border without being stopped, I came home and had a turkey sandwich on two pieces of that whole wheat bran bread, 2 clementines and a tiny Rice Krispie square. I followed supper with a 2 mile walk/jog/run - over 1 mile in a jog! I'm going to run with my rower daughter this spring!

I had a wonderful compliment today, although some may not have taken the comment as a compliment. My friend at church, who is thin and fit, came to me and told me that I need to start doing squats because my bum is disappearing! Today, I noticed that my stomach is disappearing! I noticed it when I sat down at the grand piano to play the opening Christmas carol. I felt different. My stomach wasn't in the way of my playing!

I look forward to a great day of soul food tomorrow! I'm in for a feast. I'm not planning to simply read God's words...I plan to savour it, delight in it, chew on it, digest it and apply it!

Taste and see that the Lord is good!

Eating less, moving more,

Dawne

I am late getting this published because I've had troubles adding a video of my son's, or should I say, Ginger's song. Grrr...very frustrating!

Day 103 - Listening to my Body

My usual eating day consists of either an egg white omelet and tea, or 1/2 cup of Kashi cereal with milk and tea for breakfast, 1 bowl of soup or a plate of salad with protein for lunch, an afternoon snack of a piece of fruit or a yogurt and supper is a moderate portion of whatever I am preparing the family for supper. This has worked well for me because I am able to eat what I feel like, at least once a day, as long I stop just before full.

Stopping just before full requires intuitive eating. Am I almost full? Am I just finishing this pork chop because it tastes good? What do I really feel like eating? It takes time and it takes understanding my body's physical needs. It takes honesty and maturity (of which I often lack) to decipher if my "hunger" is physical or emotional. I am physically hungry or is my soul hungry?

Today, at about 11 am, I felt famished. My tummy was growling and I felt like I needed to fuel my body. I stopped and questioned my intentions. I drank some water to see if it was simply thirst and that did tie me over until my usual lunch time. By noon, I was very hungry and I realized that a bowl of soup or a salad was not going to satisfy my physical hunger. Again, I questioned my motives. I truly was hungry. I don't know why I was more hungry at lunch than I have been in the last 103 days, but I truly believe I was responding to my body's physical call.

So, did I run to the fridge and look for that left over mac n' cheese? No, that was disposed of to avoid any possible temptations. I alternated my plan. This plan is not all or nothing. Life happens. My body was hungry. So, I simply switched my lunch/supper around. I chose to eat last night's SPICY left overs - Chicken tikka (2 small drumsticks), palou rice (3/4 cup) and a spinach, mandarin orange salad. I didn't feel full, but I was satisfied and it kept me going for my busy afternoon or running the children around and grocery shopping. For supper, I had a bowl of soup and was completely satisfied.

In my past attempts to lose weight, this change of plans would have meant I "cheated" and it was "game over"! I was so strict with myself, measuring and weighing everything twice over. I feel such freedom in listening to my body and responding to its physical needs. I hope and pray this will make the difference in keeping my weight off for a lifetime.

Eating less, moving more,

Dawne

Day 102 - Little Victories Towards Success!

I had many comments after last night's post that my dear readers consider me a success because I'm on the journey to wellness. It does crack me that a 140 pound woman finds me inspiring, but I've come to adore Sherah. She's got 7 kids and weighs in the 140's. Maybe that's the secret? Running after all of those kids? By the way, Sunshine Mama taught me how to do the link and she's got 5 kids! She's also thin! They both inspire me! I love that they have recognized the eating problem in their lives before it got too out of control.

So, in celebration of living successfully, I a few new victories to share. Today was my Sneak Peek Weigh In, when I have a mid-week peek to see how things are going. It is also the day that I report on my Christmas Countdown Challenge. I was DOWN 1 POUND, meaning that I have lost 19 of the 20 pounds for the Christmas Challenge. I am sitting exactly at the 200 pound mark, ready to cross that line and NEVER return! I'm glad that it's taking some time, that I am leading up to the big cross over, because it makes it more exciting. It is a huge moment for an obese person to cross that line. My time is coming, just you wait!

Another little victory was the eating in control and moderation of my trigger food. Yes, it was slightly dangerous to prepare my trigger food. The weather in Southern Ontario has turned frightful and I am freezing! I had to run my hands under hot water last night so my fingers would play the piano for the school Christmas musical! I really wanted some macaroni and cheese, which I have a terrible time controlling. I decided that I could eat it in moderation. It's pasta for crying out loud, and not fancy pasta at that! Pasta doesn't control me. It can't control me. How could I have let it decide my consumption so many times in the past? I love it cold, as leftovers for a snack.

I have tried to understand my relationship with the stuff and I think I associate some kind of comfort with it. When Mom wasn't home, Dad could always prepare the boxed stuff and he even added other ingredients to fancy it up. Coming in from a long walk home from school in cold Winnipeg, I would smell it cooking and I knew I would be warmed. To me, it symbolizes been cared for. I know that I am not the only one who has difficulties with the stuff. I found stickers made in the shape of macaroni last week. Seriously - it's just pasta! God is my care giver, not a pot of mac and cheese!

I have avoided it the last 100 days and for some bizarre reason, which I can only assume is the grace of God, my son has turned off the stuff! I no longer have to prepare the boxed kind for him, which is really my trigger.

Last night, I decided to prepare the homemade version, using 1% milk and light cheese. It was served with a big salad and some Mennonite farmer's sausage. I had a tiny piece of sausage and probably a 3/4 cup serving of the mac and cheese, with a generous serving of salad. I wondered about the left overs once in the evening, but the thought vanished and has not returned. This is a huge victory in my life! This victory along the way will bring me to a lifetime of eating healthily and in moderation. Denying myself the dish I am so fond of, only makes me crave it more. Stuffing myself with the trigger food also makes me crave it more. Balance. Moderation.

The tailor made trousers I designed and had made in Bangladesh now really fit. There is no snugness or pulling at all. They feel fantastic! I feel fantastic in them. Another little victory.

I caught a glimpse of myself in the full length mirror in our downstairs hallway, after my 3 mile work out session tonight. I didn't recognize the body!!!! I may still be 50 pounds overweight, but the difference shocked me - especially in my stomach. I am crying as I type. There have been so many times in my past where I have not seen myself in true reality. Obesity does that...I can't really be that big? Bulimia does that...I am huge...eat and throw it up. I saw a slightly larger than normal body in that mirror. Yes, there is weight to lose, but 49 pounds are gone forever, never to return.

Last night at the show, a parent who hasn't seen me in a few months freaked out over my weight loss. It meant so much to me because she is engulfed in her terrible personal pain as a result of adultery and an upcoming divorce. Despite her circumstances, she noticed my weight loss!?!

I feel the grace of God upon my life in so many areas. I think that will be a great subject for a future post!

These little successes remind me that I'm doing it! The big picture is huge - 100 pounds, but I can relish in the small victories and know that I am on the way!

Eating less, moving more,

Dawne

Day 101 - New Short Term Goals

I officially feel "out" of short term goals, with the exception of weighing in the 100's, which is just around the corner. I function well with goals - always have. Nothing thrilled me more than the beginning of a new school year - everything about it epitomized a fresh start, a new beginning.

I am so thrilled not to have "losing weight" as a New Year's Resolution! I am sick and tired of the same old resolution that is never met. Ha ha, New Year's Resolution night, I beat you to it!

After some thought, here are some new goals to look forward to...

1. To fit into a "Guess" shirt I feel in love with at least 7 years ago. It's still fashionable. I bought it hoping I would fit into one day. I will! It has a great cut, interesting neck line and lovely arms. 20 more pounds should do it!

2. I have a size 12 suit that I've never worn. Again, I bought it wishing, hoping, waiting... On top of that, I have a pair of beige size 12 Nygard dress pants that will soon be part of my wardrobe.

3. I bought a gorgeous shirt in Thailand, land of the skinny! I bought a size Large, but it's more like a North American medium. I will wear that shirt one day!

4. Then, there's my hanky panky undies, which I purchased on our Thanksgiving weekend away to Collingwood. The advertising claims they are the world's most comfortable underwear. They are sold as one size fits all. Even though I was already down over 25 pounds, those undies didn't fit all of me!!! I am saving them for 180.

5. I would like to be able to run with my daughter by Spring. We live at the edge of the Welland Canal and there is a beautiful walk way beside it. Walking it was a struggle, biking it even more of a struggle. I plan to run it with Tiahna. She is an avid rower and completely disciplined in every way, including exercise. I cannot wait to tell you that I ran 30 minutes with my beautiful girl!

6. My next weight goal is obviously 199 - 2 pounds away. The next big goal will be to make the 60 pound mark - 190.

Thank you for the comments and encouragement on last night's post. I didn't mean to get into my full story, it simply flowed out. Blogging is a very unique tool in this journey. I have kept a journal for most of my teenager/young adult life, but blogging is different because I know someone is reading. To read that I inspire some people makes me laugh because you are being inspired by someone who is not yet successful! Yet, it humbles me and it spurs me on to share my story with honesty.

Sneak peek weigh in tomorrow! I'll post the results for the Christmas Challenge Weigh Down. Maybe I'll only be 1 pound away from Onderland!

Eating less, moving more, running towards Onderland with the strength of my God,

Dawne

One Hundred Days!

It has been one hundred days since I changed my lifestyle. I cannot believe how fast the days have gone by, although it seemed slow at the very beginning, as I longed to "see" results.

It's been 30 years of struggling with my physical image, although I have not always been overweight. My earliest memory of a "diet" was in grade 6, when I posted a picture of a pig on our fridge to help keep me from eating. My earliest memory of throwing my food up as a weight loss method was Junior High School, possibly Grade 8. I weighed in the 140's, but believed an acceptable weight was 110.

I remember being on the Scarsdale Diet in Junior High School, when I dropped weight rapidly. I was never truly overweight at this point - just not a skinny rail, like I believed was the ideal body. At this point in my life, a close friend became severely anorexic and was hospitalized for a significant length of time. That experience put me off throwing up my food as a method of weight loss.

At this point, we moved to Toronto and again, my weight was up and down, but I was never seriously obese. My highest weight as late teenager was 167, when I began the "Physician's Weight Loss Clinic" program. I never saw a physician. I think I remember having to weigh in every single day, which meant a bus ride to the mall. I don't remember the food plan, but I do remember protein soup mixes that supposedly boosted fat loss. It was at this clinic, when I plateaued, that it was suggested I take a laxative to move things along. That was dangerous advice.

During my Toronto years, I remember at least two times that I joined Weight Watchers, never having more than 30 pounds to lose and always getting close to goal, although not becoming a lifetime member at that point in my life. I also remember joining "Overeaters Anonymous", which was quite helpful in many areas of my lifestyle. That program did not focus on calories or food choices, but rather on the reasons the overeating occurred. Following OA, I was able to keep my weight quite low, up until about a year after marriage, when I started to gain again.

Since I've been married, 19 years on December 28th, I've lost large amounts of weight 3 times. Twice was through Weight Watchers, becoming a lifetime member the last time I was an active member. The second time I lost weight was by eating only three meals a day, never snacking. It was an attempt at eating moderately, now that I look back on it.

I have not been involved in any bulimic behaviour since I was a young adult. It's a time in my life that I never want to relive. The thought of taking a laxative, or making myself sick, is completely repulsive to me.

I lost 79 pounds, going from 234 to 155 in 2002/2003. I reached my goal in the summer of 2003 but I was already gaining weight by Christmas. I remember weighing about 180 for my daughter's birthday party, in late December. From then on, I gained. I can't believe I allowed myself to cross that 200 mark again.

Once I hit those nasty 200's again, I woke up every day promising myself that today would be the day. If I could just get through the day counting points and make it last more than two days, I would be on my way. Something would always get in the way. I failed over and over again. I lost all hope that I could ever be free from the bondage of overeating.

In a continued attempt to lose weight, a friend introduced me to a study called, "A Woman of Moderation", by Dee Brestin. It was through this study I was convicted to live a moderate lifestyle, not lavish in anything but my love for God and others. I began to realize that overeating did not solve any of the anxiety or stress in my life. I was keeping myself filled with food, so I didn't have to deal with life's problems. It is a crazy cycle!!! The worse I felt, the more I ate, causing me to feel worse, causing me to eat more! CRAZY!

100 days ago, God, in His mercy, showed me it was my time. My struggles with weight and self image issues have made me the person I am today and I'm glad I've faced them. He has blessed me with an "easy" start. It has not been difficult to stop overeating. I haven't had huge struggles with temptation to eat outside of hungry. I believe the reason for this is because I eat what I want at least one meal a day.

I don't know what the next 100 days hold. Maybe it won't continue to be easy, but I know, without a doubt, that it is MY TIME! The past 100 days, I have developed better methods of coping with life's stresses. I have come to realize that I have more energy without heavy white breads/starches in my diet. I have made exercising a habit, 5 days a week.

In 100 days I have met some significant goals. I have fit into two new sizes of clothing (16, 14) and have fit into pants I was saving for a "skinnier" day. I have almost made it to Onderland...two pounds to go! I have been able to lose an average of 3.5 pounds per week, without calorie/point counting. I have been able to eat things I enjoy, stopping just before full.

On my 100th day, I am thinking about new goals, which I will share in tomorrow's post. I had a great eating day - Kashi cereal, soup for lunch and chicken/vegetable/noodle stir fry and a small biscotti for supper. I managed the high intensity, running 1 mile exercise video. It's more intense and I breathe heavier, but it's a quicker video time wise, which is appealing to me. I am down one concert, one show and I have one show and three choir performances to make it through before the end of next week. The stress of those commitments would have had me eating popcorn every night, in the past. This year, I take each day as it comes and I remember that eating doesn't make the concert go any better!

Eating less, moving more for 100 days now,

Dawne