Yr.2, Day 240-241 - You Told Me So

I know that many of you have told me what I have come to realize today. Many of you have suggested the things that I am going to write, but your words did not become my reality and understanding until now.

On September 1, 2009 I was determined to get off of the diet roller coaster. I was caught in a pattern of serious dieting, serious cheating, serious losing and serious gaining back. In my opinion the diet world feeds into the pattern that most people who struggle with obesity find themselves in. When you are caught in this vicious cycle, it feels like there is little hope of ever getting off of it.

Until I can truly believe that my self worth is not equated with a number, I will not be free. I was recently reminiscing with an old friend and remembering people together. It was interesting to me that she judged how she thought people we were doing based on their size from Facebook photos. One member of the family we were remembering looked healthy, the other obese. There was judgement there and it bothered me.

When I hit my major plateau, almost a year ago, at 167, I began to try everything and anything the diet world suggested. One hundred pounds was my goal and it was seemingly out of my control. Something clicked in church today. No matter how many times I have sought to make this journey one of faith and trust in God, it's been about a number. I will never be free, never be off the diet roller coaster if that is my ultimate goal.

My ultimate goal must be living in a proper, God intended relationship with food. The number will come. My focus has been on watching that number decrease, trying to manipulate it and control it. That is not the goal I seek in my life. I seek to be healthy - emotionally, spiritually and physically. I seek to put God first in everything. This requires getting off the diet roller coaster and simply eating in a way that God intended.

From what I read in Scripture, God made food for enjoyment, not to be feared. He made it for physical sustenance, not for emotional healing. He made it to enjoy at celebrations, not to be ignored for fear of fat. If I am living a healthy life in all areas, food and diet should not consume my thoughts.

For the next two months, my goal is to eat healthily, with the knowledge I have, but not live in diet mode. I will continue my healthy pattern of exercising during the week, but focusing less on eating in a diet manner.

I am abandoning the scale yet again. I know I flip flop back and forth on this. My friend Brenda had suggested using clothing as my physical goal in the past, and I'm finally taking her advice. I have a tiny pair of jeans, that did not fit me at my smallest weight this time around. (158 pounds - I am currently averaging between 169 and 175 pounds) I will know my body has responded to eating less and eating more when those jeans fit.

I am done with the daily, weekly, monthly, whenever I feel like it, weigh ins. Two months, putting food in it's proper place, not dieting, not overeating, exercising...let's see how my body responds.

Eating less, moving more,

Dawne