Pain in the...

For the past three weeks I have been having significant pain in what I believe to be my right kidney. Just when I think I haven't experienced pains in a while, I am attacked by sharp pain in one isolated area, that seems to later disappear. I keep putting off a visit to the Dr., thinking it will go away, but it is time to make an appointment.

Focusing on change has not brought the results I had hoped, disappointing me. I had really hoped to see my new decade by the 1st of March, but it won't happen. I have to kick things into high gear to get moving. I think I need to implement exercise back into my life. Starting next week, I will have some time off work because my oldest is having her tonsils and adenoids removed and then I have two weeks off for March break. That allows for three weeks of serious time to focus on exercise and eating well.

I continue to search to find peace in this area and I know that peace comes from One and One alone. It is the direction I seek and choose to follow.

Eating less, moving more,

Dawne

Next Steps

The next step in loving myself included a hair dye, highlights and cut. I always feel so much better stepping out of the salon. Next came purchasing a new outfit - one I know can do me a few sizes. The top is quite loose fitting, allowing me to purchase a medium. I can no longer wear the majority of my medium tops, but by mid-Spring I will be able to! The outfit makes me feel like a fashionista and with the price I paid, it should! I will have to wait for warmer weather to arrive to don it, but that day is coming soon!

I am beginning to think about how to implement exercise back into my life. It was the last thing to go as I held on to running for quite some time. I can't imagine retraining my body to run 5k again, never mind the 12K I was enjoying weekly! It's amazing how fast one can get out of shape. I am hoping to start my walking DVD's again, the ones I lost the majority of my weight exercising to. My first 80 pounds came off with Lesley Sansone and her walking DVD's. I really like the DVD that does cardio/weights circuits. I have no "time" excuse for Fri - Sun, but it is hard to fit in Mon-Thurs. I am going to approach this in small steps and only add time that I know I can maintain and commit to in the long term.

Oh my goodness, eating completely gluten free is hard, hard work. My daughter has no temptation to touch a bread product because her debilitating symptoms have disappeared in a matter of two weeks. It's truly amazing. I had some wheat products this weekend, albeit healthy ones, and I felt no different for having consumed them. I do not think I have an intolerance, but if I eat a diet rich in flour products, I feel heavy and a I crave carbs more and more. I think the issue will be balance for me. Less wheat products, but perhaps not a complete elimination of healthy ones.

My goal remains reaching the next decade, 190's, by March 1st. I think I will get there. If I reach the 180's by my birthday, I will be 10 pounds more than my birthday weight the last two years. That seems manageable to me in terms of reaching goal by summer...but don't let me focus on results, I want to focus on change!

My new mantra - If you focus on results, you will never change. If you focus on change you will results.

Eating less, moving more,
Dawne

New Discoveries

Less than one week ago, I decided to eat gluten free in support of my daughter's recent discovery of her intolerance to wheat, affecting her GERD. (acid reflux) It has been a challenge to prepare meals because not only has she eliminated wheat products, but she can no longer eat acidic fruits, chocolate, caffeine, onions, garlic or spicy foods. I love to cook and always have, so I am having to discover new ways to prepare food that will not affect her health issues.

It is no coincidence that my turn around in terms of eating back in control coincides with her new dietary endeavors. I've always said that one healthy choice leads to another.

Today, I prepared gluten free, sugar free, banana protein muffins. They have an interesting consistency, but my daughter loved them. They remind her of Yorkshire pudding, which we love! (they contain 3/4 cup of egg white, which would explain the resemblance to Yorkshire puddings) I found them a bit too sweet and would prepare them with less Stevia next time. You can find the recipe at my favourite new blog site - She has an amazing story and a fantastic collection of recipes. http://www.dashingdish.com/

I have also discovered risotto. It wasn't a dish I had ever prepared. I did not grow up eating risotto, nor did my husband. In researching foods my daughter can eat, I came across risotto. It certainly is not low calorie and it is a carb, so those who are carb free would not appreciate preparing risotto, but it's been a wonderful discovery for her as it replaces creamy pasta. I loaded it with vegetables and it was fantastic!

We have long been eating Mary's Crackers and the other gluten free cracker everyone buys at Costco, but this week I discovered Blue Diamond's Nut Thins. They are fabulous and are taking the place of bread in our lives. We are dipping them in hummus, instead of mini pita, enjoying them with peanut butter and banana, or loading them with goat's milk feta and slices of apple. (My daughter can't eat the apple) It's a new way of eating but we are discovering new things to enjoy.

My son has no interest in eating this way! I did fool him a few nights ago, as he did not notice that his beloved Chinese Fried Rice was made with organic, brown jasmine rice. He asked for seconds! Don't worry, I am well aware that soy sauce has gluten in it and am using Bragg's Soy Sauce, which I don't care for the taste of.

All of these new discoveries are helping me feel like I've crawled out from a rut! Here's to many more along the journey!

Eating less, moving more,
Dawne

When I Am Loving Myself...

When I am loving myself I...

1. Eat quality food in moderation.

2. Take time to sing and play the piano. It feeds my soul.

3. I am far calmer in my approach to everyday stresses.

4. I slather fruits and passions body souffle all over my body.

5. I take time to pray, read God's word and meditate on what I learn.

6. I make time for friends and the relationships that are important to me.


Today I decided to get back into the mode of taking care of myself. I've been ignoring my own needs as I've self loathed for gaining weight back! I had my hair cut, dyed and highlighted. I love the colour. I was tickled when a far younger client asked her hair stylist what colour had been put in my hair as she wanted the same colour. Yes, I am hip like that! :)

Next, I splurged at my favourite clothing store and purchased a Spring outfit that it a bit snug right now, but will fit beautifully once I am down twenty pounds. As I've gained weight, I have purchased next to nothing, again, as the shame has been overwhelming.

When I love myself I am simply a nicer person to be around! I think my family appreciates when I love myself.

Eating less, moving more,
Dawne

Not My Words....

I have received some fabulous comments, private e-mails and Facebook messages from people, many complete strangers, who I had NO idea were reading. I truly feel overwhelmed and at a loss for words that so many would truly care about my journey. There are a lot of good people in this world. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I have also been blessed with words of wisdom. Sometimes, people can say exactly what I need to hear at just the right time.

From Sarah, I believe -

If you focus on results you you will never change. If you focus on change you will see results.

Well, didn't she sum up my experience to a tee.

I think I began with a good, balanced focus on changing and enjoying the results. I saw some wonderful results, 80 pounds in 8 months but then the balance shifted. I was obsessed with my results and driven to record and share every pound and size change. I began to care more about the outside than the inside and believe me, I know that it's the inside that needs to change.

From Sharon -

"A setback is only a set up for a comeback." It is YOUR time and how sweet this comeback is going to be.

I take that as truth and pure prophecy! I've been set up for a comeback, one that focuses on change and not results, and guess what I'm going to get? Results!

Eating less, moving more,
Dawne

Not a Restart

As I get back on track into healthy eating in moderation, it feels very different from the inner commitment I made on September 1,2009. It doesn't feel new or different but simply a continuation. I do not view this as a restart in my journey. Yes, I got off track, but I never lost the inner belief that this was my time, God's time, for me to change my habits and live a healthy lifestyle.

I don't believe that I have to relive everything I learned on the initial leg of this journey, but rather I anticipate new and fresh lessons that will prepare me to maintain my goal weight. I have no doubt in my mind that I can lose the regained weight in a reasonable amount of time. My insecurity lies in keeping it off.

My eating has been on track with no temptations to overeat in anyway. I don't know if this is possible, but I already feel lighter and more energetic cutting all wheat out of my diet. I can see a danger in viewing non gluten foods as "free", which they certainly are NOT. In fact, many of the gluten free substitutes for wheat products as far higher in calories! I am trying to be very aware of portion control.

So far, I find it quite easy to cut out wheat as most of what I prepare are homemade, whole food meals. There are limited processed foods in our home. My daughter's GERD means she also has to avoid acidic foods, such as tomatoes, acidic fruits etc. I missed the tomatoes in my stew tonight. She has had no symptoms of GERD or digestion issues since she has cut wheat from her diet.

I have tried every method of weighing there is - weighing 20x a day, twice weekly and reporting, once monthly and reporting, every day but only reporting once a month, not weighing, using clothes to measure - and I have come to the conclusion that there are different ways to weigh in and report for different stages of the journey. There is no right way for everyone and there is no right way for every time. Not weighing allowed me to ignore what was happening - the scale moving up at an alarming rate. For now, I am weighing everyday, but only reporting decades until I get closer to goal. I am at peace with my decision for now.

Making my blog private seems like a lot of work - collecting and recording e-mails of readers. I am going to begin the process this weekend as I definitely think this is the way to go for now.

Thank you so much to those who prayed for me, refused to give up and gave me space to live and experience my own journey. Your kind words, comments and positive thoughts will all contribute to me reaching my goal in the near future.

Eating less, moving more,
Dawne

Feeling the Love

It is amazing how encouraging and supportive a group of people whom I have never met can be. I can't thank you enough for your kind support in wanting to follow me as I continue to reach that glorious goal weight and keep it off. I am giving it a few days before I make the blog private so that those who want to follow have a chance to let me know.

Thank you especially to those who shared their stories of gaining back some of what they lost. Your determination to keep going and to keep blogging inspires me. Tami - thank you so much for checking up on me from time to time. You are a dear, dear woman.

So, what happened? I was so on track and determined. I truly believed I had changed my lifestyle, but slowly old habits began to creep in and it felt better to cope with life's stresses by overeating than using healthy coping methods.

I have gained about 40 pounds from my lowest of 160. Depressing. However, the cycle has been broken because I am fixing things before I gain all of my weight back and more. Let me tell you, gaining quickly feels a lot different than losing quickly! I can actually feel my inner thighs getting bigger as I lay in bed at night. It is weird!

This is day four of being back on track, eating in moderation.

I have some decisions to make in terms of my food plan. I would like to remain on the path of eating in moderation, however my daughter has been diagnosed with GERD and is medicated for it. There is a possible connection between treating GERD and going gluten free. In support of her, I am eliminating wheat from our diets completely. She is NOT celiac in any way and we are not doing this to follow a fad. It certainly is not to lose weight because many who go gluten free actually gain weight. We are hoping to see a significant reduction in her symptoms as a result of eliminating gluten from her diet. (she is not overweight)

Most depressing is that I have NOTHING to wear. I gave away all my clothes as I shrunk out of them. I will have to lose 20 pounds in order to squeeze into my dress pants and jeans. I have a few outfits that work and I have refused to buy larger clothes. That in itself has been motivating because I enjoy dressing well and looking put together.

I am looking forward to reading about where all of you are in your journeys. It was too painful to keep up with everyone's journey whilst I was struggling so deeply.

The good news for me is that I tend to lose weight as quickly as I gain it, until I reach the mid 160's. Then, it slows down and takes forever. In the meantime, I will report decades and right now, I need to journey back to Onderland. That is one line I NEVER believed I would cross again! It's very close.

Eating less, moving more,
Dawne